My Pregnancy Journal - The 1st Trimester


Pregnancy comes with a whole range of unexpected and unusual feelings. Overnight everything changes and this huge adjustment comes with a crazy mix of emotions - excitement, joy, fear, discomfort, uncertainty and loneliness. Navigating this confusing roller coaster can be the toughest part of carrying a baby because we don't often talk about this stuff, at least not with anyone but our nearest and dearest which is why it can feel so isolating.

For the record, I LOVE being pregnant. When I was pregnant with my son, as chaotic as my life was at that point in time, I was the most calm and peaceful I'd ever been. Having a baby growing inside of me provides a sense of purpose unlike any other, it centers me and guides me towards only the things that truly matter which is a special kind of bliss. But. There is a huge, massive, rude and cruel beast which precedes the bliss of pregnancy and it goes by the name of "the first trimester". What a tough time those first 3 months really are. I could not be more relieved to be almost at week 15 and past the hell that is morning sickness and exhaustion! Here is my diary, reflecting back on those painful 12 weeks (don't worry mums-to-be, it does get better!)


14 weeks

How we found out...

As with the first time, I just knew. I wanted to see those two lines more than anything in the world but I also wasn't concerned because I had a very clear instinct that I was pregnant despite having no symptoms. I bought a test one morning with the weekly groceries and sure enough it came up positive. I was overwhelmed with happiness and did another test to be certain. I had a vision of my man coming home from work and running up to him with the happy news but, being the impatient person I am, I called him on the phone straight away "so...you're going to be a dad". He was speechless, blown away, we were both feeling on top of the world. It was one of those moments, the world stands still for a minute as it sinks in that life will never look quite the same.

How I Felt...

Sick. Painfully, brutally, horribly sick. I spent a good 8 weeks in bed, except for school drop off and pick up. Thank god for my boys allowing me to rest and picking up the brunt of cooking and dealing with the day to day because I completely signed off from life. Imagine the worst hangover of your life that never goes away. The only relief for me was watermelon chuppa chups and Zambrero's. Driving to get these supplies was hell on earth, every minute in the car I thought I would have to pull over and throw up. I was pale, exhausted, a shadow of a human. I had dozens of moments thinking to myself :I can't do this, I cannot get through another day". It. Was. Hell. Summoning the strength to get in the care to drive 2 minutes down the road to drop my son at school often felt almost impossible. Dry retching the entire way, praying I wouldn't be sick in the school hallway, not being able to tell anyone why I wasn't speaking or being friendly. I was depressed but also content, it was utterly confusing. Moments of gratitude and calm would drift through me, quickly undone by the sharp pangs of nausea, a seasickness I could not escape. I would often spend 1-2 hours in the shower because being surrounded by water would distract me from the nausea. Then one day I woke up and bang, I didn't feel sick anymore!

Cravings...

This was hard to pinpoint because the nausea confused me appetite completely. Anything sour was a winner, especially sour lollies. Other than that, cold pears and celery. Weird.

Changes...

My boobs almost doubled in size instantly. It was painful, sleeping on my stomach hurt. I felt heavy, lethargic and weighed down from about 7 weeks. My belly started to pop at about 12 weeks, much earlier than the first time around. My digestive system completely slowed down too, remembering to drink extra water was the key but this was hard with the morning sickness. I noticed my hips and legs filling out quite quickly too, much more so than the first time around. I lost about 3-4 kilos from being so sick but at week 13 I think they all came back plus a few extra. I am trying to embrace my changing shape, expanding curves and growing stomach but it can be tough. I feel bigger than I did the first time around and I don't have as much energy to work out like I did back then either. I am walking, doing a weekly PT session and light weights but I am desperately missing my intense daily gym sessions. Every day I need to remind myself to be kind to my body and allow it to do what it needs to do.

I also had a moment of madness and cut off half my hair, myself. I was frustrated, feeling frumpy, my hair was feeling dry and yuky so I went at it with a pair of scizzors for about ten minutes and then thought "oh fuck". What. Have. I. Done?! I actually love having shorter hair now and it felt liberating to let go of my long locks - my security blanket in many ways. Not sure I recommend doing this but also, it was one of the best ways I handled the lack of control over my body during this time. I took some of the power back, even if it is just hair, it felt great! So maybe I do recommend it....point is, you do own your body and your mind and you are beautiful long hair, short hair, no hair. You are still you.

Announcement...

We decided to announce a little earlier than is recommended - personally I really don't like that the 12-14 week rule in case a miscarriage occurs, this seems to suggest you should keep it quiet in case something bad happens and you then have to tell everyone of your grief. Why should anyone have to deal with that pain alone? I respect some women are more private and absolutely understand why announcing an expected baby is a really personal thing, but for me, I really struggle with the idea that the isolation of those first 3 months, which can be the most difficult time in any woman's life, should be battled alone.

We shared a simple post of our family, at the beach, doing our thing and the words "our little tribe will soon be growing..." We were overwhelmed with the beautiful messages from friends and family and it all suddenly felt real.

The First scan...

Magic. There is no other way to describe seeing your baby for the first time, even if it just resembles a little jelly bean with a big head. Having my man holding my hand and watching his face was the most beautiful thing, I'll never forget it.

Maternity Style...

Stretchy, stretchy, stretchy. I still fit into the majority of my clothes for the first 3 months but some of my jeans felt uncomfortable around my belly and some of my gym tights felt too restrictive. Generally most of my clothes were still wearable but I found myself gravitating towards more feminine pieces - boho, prints, summery dresses, clothes I usually wouldn't wear as much are now my latest favourites. Tracking down stylish maternity wear is my new mission and luckily I've had some success, which I will be sharing with you soon.

Our Relationship...

This is a biggie! Pregnancy changes a relationship instantly and while the joy and excitement can bring you both closer it can also pull you worlds apart. This was definitely a struggle. We are not new to being parents but we have found a comfortable normal, we enjoy having a drink together a few times a week, we love to have fun, go away a lot and our family functions really well to fit the lifestyle we enjoy. Suddenly having a baby on board completely threw us off our equilibrium!

Feeling like a shadow of my former self for those first 3 months were tough on our little family, I felt guilty for not being able to do more and no matter how close and supportive a partner is, they will never completely understand the feeling of an alien (ahem, baby, sorry I love you little one but sometimes you feel like an alien) take over your body and your life. We have found a new normal now which has bought us back together - we started personal training together which I absolutely love, we are both being kind and generous with our energy and time and sharing the load of caring for our son. We are more in love than ever and the future looks beautiful. Creating a life together is the most special feeling, it changes everything and if you can change with it rather than resist then it all falls into place.

Thoughts...

Pregnancy is a miracle, it's beautiful, natural and absolutely life changing. It pushes the body and the mind to the extremes. It is fulfilling and satisfying and above all, it gives you strength. Enduring the daily changes and physical challenges bring out a clear sense of what matters, it allows you to cut through the strings pulling on you, the obligations and commitments which do not serve you. I found myself cutting ties with work commitments which were a strain and deciding to pull back on working with people who made me feel uncomfortable or unappreciated. I stopped all socialising, I had no energy for my friends and thank god they understood this and waited for me to come good. I took a break from social media and blogging. I stood aside and it was such a relief. I encourage all expectant mothers to step aside and just be in the moment, allow the baby to become the centre of your world for a few months, use the little energy you have to be excited and to love the growing bump.


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